Fearlessness

Fearlessness.
My mantra for this new year.
In my yoga teacher training, one of the required readings was Pema Chodron's Comfortable with Uncertainty
108 Teachings on Cultivating Fearlessness and Compassion.
I didn't read it cover to cover like most books. I wanted to take this one slow and savor it, hence I am still in the process of reading and re-reading it's pages. When I read one of the teachings,in the morning prior to meditation and yoga practice, my intention is to remember it throughout the day. Sometimes my thoughts and ideas that unfold are profound, in that I can actually feel an opening at my heart center. Other times, I feel mundane and explore the magic of it all. This humanness.

When the world we live in seems a scary place, and images of death, destruction, and suffering are all around us,I am reminded in my practice that change starts with me."Though the waves rage fiercely. I know not fear"

(not my words, but not sure who to credit). My faith is in the logic that moves beyond my fears. I remain open to receive good things, and trust the clarity of my heart. The connections I make through the daily exchanges with my fellow humans, will depend on  my own reactions. My goal in this fearlessness is to act, not react. It's easy to react because it doesn't require thought, or intention. Reaction comes from the fear we ourselves create. Fear of not being good enough, fear of failing, fear of seeming foolish, fear of losing what we hold dear, and the list persists.

How do we move through it? You have to feel the feelings, good, bad and ugly. Don't gloss over, don't apologize, don't resist, don't stay on the surface of the feelings. Go deep. The deeper and more fully we feel them the less likely they will arise again. They will rise again in this spiral of life, but as we expand our hearts the time between the same lessons becomes greater, and the feelings that come up won't have the same stronghold as they once did if we accept the warrior's journey. 

I am no stranger to feelings. I was always friends with sadness, and dark thoughts. It was the happy and joyous feelings that made me uncomfortable. I understand how that came to be, but at the end of the day the why doesn't matter. The why and the illusion of closure is what will have me spiraling in the wrong direction. Because if I am always searching for a why, then I am living in the past. When we stray from the present moment, our attention is wasted. In order to cultivate fearlessness, I am learning that one must be compassionate. I must be willing to first be compassionate with myself. To have a compassionate relationship will all the pieces of me that I feel are not worthy of exisiting. It is in these moments that I acknowledge the feelings that will lead to change. 

What brought me to this post?

Teaching #63 of Pema's book Comfortable with Uncertainty. Widening the Circle Further.

"How is there going to be less aggression on the planet rather than more? Bring this question down to a personal level: How do I learn to communicate with somebody who is hurting me or hurting others? How do I communicate so that the space opens up and both of us begin to touch in to some kind of basic intelligence we all share?" 

So I start with the coversations I have with all the parts of myself, and carry it over to my exchanges with others. The fears that come and the negative self-talk that follows need to stop. I make the connection between compassion for the self and compassion for others. By opening my heart, through softening, and to feel the moment is fearlessness. My life gives me everything I need to open further, and the only way I can be of benefit to the world. 

What about you? Are you willing to go on a warrior's journey?

xo

Stacie

LOVE

Hi! My name is Stacie, and it's been 9 months since my last blog post.
It was very much a gestation period, a development of something over time. A development of a better version of myself. When I embarked on this yoga journey I didn't quite know what to expect. I had a few ideas, especially since chatting with my sister who recently graduated from her yoga teacher training. I knew I would learn more about the asanas, more about anatomy. I would learn about the Yoga Sutras, and the philisophical teachings. I even knew I would learn more about myself. However, this journey to the self through the self, was more than I could anticipate.

I graduated from my 200 hour yoga teacher training today, but what I received was beyond a certificate of completion. I received, Love, Kindness, Compassion, Support, Friendship, Healing, Hugs, and every other cliche mushy thing you can bring to mind. Driving home tonight in the rain, which matched my streaming tears, I was contemplating this part of my journey that never ends, and I knew I needed to write something. We cried a lot today. I kind of feel drained, but overflowing at the same time. Overflowing with gratitude for this experience, and everyone that was a part of it. These random people from all walks of life came together as a tribe, and get ready for us because we are spreading the LOVE!

I feel so many things right now. Honored to teach, and excited to learn more. Sad that it is over, but overjoyed that I have so many new friends in my life. Exhausted from practice, but energized by the hearts that shared. Eager for what is next, yet safe in my present moment. Mostly, what I feel is love and appreciation in my heart. It is this love that I will take with me, and when I forget because some days will suck, I hope know I will find my way back because there are so many in my circle to light the way.
Like the Grinch, my heart grew three sizes today.

Stay tuned.....for the next episode.

Peace,
Stacie

Another Journey Begins

February of last year, just after turning 40 I started a daily yoga practice. This wasn't my first time on the mat, I had been to many classes over the past 15 years, but this particular studio, and this particular yoga teacher connected with me on another level which I had never felt before. Even though she's about half may age, I was inspired, excited, motivated, refreshed, and content in this space. Every morning I looked forward to that 9:30 am class. I felt a difference in my day when my jobs, life made it impossible to attend. If I could I would go to the evening class instead, but sometimes I couldn't even do that. My frustration tolerance was very low without yoga. I would do yoga at home too, but it's not the same. Not doing yoga sometimes feels like not brushing your teeth. You can live with it, but it doesn't feel good, and you want to avoid other people.

Something else happened. I decided I wanted, no, NEEDED to breathe like a normal person. I am worth the oxygen. :) I was never able to fully breathe thorough my nose, for as long as I could remember. My biggest fear as a kid growing up (no lie) was being kidnapped and my my mouth duct taped shut! I would certainly die! I must have watched too may horrible movies where that happened. Because yoga asks you to breathe, to infuse your body with prana, or life force, it was no longer okay to be a mouth breather and get by.  I felt like I was cheating by not breathing through my nose, even though I was physically unable to do so. I won't even get into my attempts at pranayama. Previous visits to Ear, Nose and Throat doctors offered prescription drugs, and allergy shots. One doctor said I had a deviated septum that could be fixed with surgery. Oddly enough, no one actually looked inside my nose. Never thought to get a second opinion. Then, a teenager, none of this was enticing so I decided to live with my inability. No way was I going to get rid of my pets either. Certain times I did resort to medication, usually when I couldn't stop sneezing, but they didn't do anything for my nose. Fast forward to this year, on my mat in a forward fold trying to inhale through my nose to no avail. I started to feel inadequate, and began the negative self talk that we all sometimes fall prey to. "This sucks!" "Why can't I be normal?" "I hate my nose!" But yoga did something else, it made me want to change, it made me take responsibility for my health, it made go to the doctor's again, it made me hope that just maybe, something could be done.  So it goes, the doctor took one look inside my nose, and said that I was full of polyps. So much so that they were ready to grow out my nose! I think he may have been kidding, but you get the idea. He put me on Prednisone for 3 weeks, but it didn't really do much. All those years that I left my allergies untreated, apparently caused the polyps to form over time.....so he says. Fast forward, I had surgery to remove these ghastly polyps that prevented sweet air from flowing through my nasal passages, and today I am a new yogi! I can inhale through my nose, even when I am in a forward fold, or a handstand! It's absolutely glorious. The down side, of course because there always is one, is cleaning the litter box sucks more, and he wants me to take a daily nasal spray for prevention.....we'll see.

All this to say, at the age of 41, I will be taking a Yoga Teacher Training this Summer, and will be teaching at my favorite yoga studio. I can only be grateful, and humbly appreciate my teacher believing in me, and guiding me on this journey. I am ready to know myself, I accept the challenge. The studio is Live Yoga in Danielson, CT. My teacher is Jessi Marino, you can find her on Facebook and Instagram. 

My goal is to eventually teach prenatal yoga, as there is a great need in my area. And since a girl can dream, open a studio with my awesome sister in law. She will graduate from her Yoga Teacher Training next month. Yay!!! When yoga finds you, you just want to spread the LOVE! 

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A Change is gonna come.....

February of this year I turned the big 40.  I celebrated by having dinner with some close friends and family. I remember when my Mom turned 40, and we threw her a big surprise "Over the Hill" party, black cake frosting and all! I always thought 40 was kind of old, but now that I am attached to that number I feel differently. I think that is one of the obstacles of aging. While our body isn't what it used to be, our minds always feel young at heart. The mirror betrays us....

A couple months after my 40th birthday I experienced my first "hot flash". I was taken aback, thinking, " NO, I can't be having these already! I just turned 40! What the fucking hell!" Then a few months ago I went 46 days between periods, which never happens. I am a 28 day cycle kind of woman. At first I thought I was pregnant, but thankfully testing was negative, and I started a few days later.

Fast forward to last week. I was cleaning downstairs and I noticed a book on my shelf. A book that I had given to my mother, and she returned to me. It was by Susun S. Weed- New Menopausal Years, The Wise Woman Way, Alternative Approaches for Women 30-90.  I opened it and started to read, and I want to share a few words from the book with my cohorts who may be in the same boat. It can be a scary, frustrating, annoying, sad, or plain weird place to be because it is the unknown, But take solace that you are not alone, and you have the power to steer the boat.

From the Preface
Great Granddaughter, it is time to prepare for your journey. I am Grandmother Growth. I, my plant friends, and my stories have come to guide you on your menopausal journey, your metamorphosis to Crone, woman of wholeness.

Is this Menopause?
Preparing for the Journey

Is today not the best day to begin? asks Grandmother Growth. If you are old enough to ask 'is this menopause?', you are old enough to plan your journey to the old woman you are growing into. Let us gather what we need. It is time to begin your journey to Change.

Is this menopause? In linear time, in the minds of many MDs, and gynecologists, menopause is a single event, a definite end: the last menses. Everything before that last drop of blood is called "peri-menopause" and everything after that last drop of blood is "postmenopausal". To this way of thinking, there are no menopausal women. This is like defining puberty as the first drop of blood and nothing more.
To the wise woman, to the woman experiencing menopause, menopause is a spiraling process over time. One that changes and shifts even as it courses through us, so we never know what to expect day to day during the Change.

You can purchase the book here.

I am going to try to be my own ally, and not fight this. I will do my best to embrace this part of my life, however long it lasts. As we know Change, in general, is the only true constant in life.

Happy Spiraling!!!!
~ Stacie

Progress

I am happy to announce that I have been exercising on a regular basis for over a year! I lost almost 30 lbs and I feel great.  It started with a couple cleanses with Stephanie Perkinson, to reset my body, and adjust my focus and intention. My workouts consisted of the Supreme 90 day (10 disc) program with Tom Holland. The workouts are 30 minutes on average, and are pretty fun for someone that doesn't particularly love working out. I highly recommend it. I bought the whole 10 disc program at Big Lots for $4.!
These days I am working out for an hour using a Bob Harper dvd, and trying to continue to eat clean. I have a support group on facebook that helps keep me accountable and I inconsistently track with myfitnesspal.com. The hardest part for me is when life gets really busy, and I am working a lot, or I am sick. If I miss a few days of working out it can easily turn in to a week. But I think I have finally come to really internalize that this is a lifestyle. period. You cannot reach a goal, and then return to old behaviors. You can fall and get back up, but staying down because you fell is not an option. I am excited for Springtime and hiking in the woods. My new goal is to run the whole 4 mile trail.

Peace, Love, and Health!
Stacie